The Games We Play - Skills learned early

Dear Debbie:

My son is nine and is starting to learn about the games people play. The young lady who calls herself his"girlfriend" but then torments him by calling from other boy's houses and saying "I am at my other boyfriends house..." and other mean things.

Then there is the neighborhood friends who play the "Today he is my friend and you are not" game. I try to give him good advice on not playing the games, on how taking away the power to hurt us lessens the power that others wield against us, but its hard. What would you tell him?

Jacquie


Jacquie,

Reading your question makes my heart ache. One of the most challenging situations is watching other kids do things that hurt your child’s feelings. I have worked with other families on this sensitive issue and here’s what I suggest.

#1: Believe it or not, there is a great lesson in compassion here for both of you. Since you can never change someone else’s behavior, (not even a nine year old!) the quickest solace comes from applying understanding to their actions. Compassion is, in my experience, the only real shield we have. You might engage your son in the following discussion. If you do, please write me and share his answers. I will print them in my column so we can all learn from his wisdom.

State what has happened: When your girlfriend calls you from another boy’s house I know it makes you feel bad. Pose the question: What do you think makes someone act nice one minute and mean the next?

If he doesn’t want to answer right away, share with him an example in your life of someone who has exhibited erratic behavior – like a girlfriend who is happy to hear from you on Monday and too “crazed” to talk on Tuesday. Discuss what might cause her to behave that way. Example: maybe your girl friend is totally overextended – she is a mother, a wife, has a career, two dogs and an ailing parent. Depending on how many catastrophes she’s dealt with that day determines how available she is to talk or not. Since you understand this, you don’t take her on again, off again behavior personally.

Then circle back to the question about his girlfriend and see what you can uncover together.

#2: When your son’s girlfriend calls him from another boy’s house tell him I suggest he says:

“I really want to talk to you but it doesn’t work for me to do that when you call from so and so’s house. If you want to talk, call me when you are alone. I look forward to that.” Then tell him to hang up. Children are entitled to set boundaries too!

#3: Continue to acknowledge your son for all the positive choices he is making with these challenging situations.

Example: I really acknowledge you for being so nice to your girlfriend even when she hurts your feelings. and: I really think it’s great that you’re such a loyal friend, even when your friends aren’t the most considerate people.

Bottom line, your son is a great person and the world will be an even better place because he’s here!

Debbie Robins
deb@kickassadvice.com

Join the Shovel it! gang. You can make a difference at every age!

Debbie Robins is highly respected corporate, executive, career coach with deep roots in the entertainment industry. Deb is also the author of two books, Where Peace Lives, which has been on two best seller lists and enjoys endorsements from Deepak Chopra, Gore Vidal, Maria Shriver, Arianna Huffington, Penny Marshall, Jane Seymour, Debbie Ford and more. And Shovel It! Kick-Ass Advice To Turn Life’s Crap Into The Peace And Happiness You Deserve coming out Nov. ‘09/Alyson Publishing/NYC, with celebrity contributions from Deepak Chopra, Rosanna Arquette, Sandra Bernhard, Julia Ormond, Carolyn Bivens, Daniel Powter and more.


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