Male Reproductive Rights And Doing Right | Lisa says | DONNE TEMPO
Male Reproductive Rights And Doing Right
June/10/09 11:11 PM Filed in: Lisa says
While I was getting my hair done last week, my
hairdresser had on Dr. Phil. I’ve never seen it
before (I haven’t!) but this episode caught my
attention, and I’ve been thinking about it for a
week now, so I wanted to share it.
The premise was male reproductive rights. The show blurb says, “When a baby is born, the biological father is legally bound to provide financial support for the child. But what if a man discovers he's responsible for a child he didn't know existed or didn't plan on having? Should he be forced to pay child support? Dr. Phil's guests engage in a heated debate about the rights of men and women when a child is conceived out of wedlock.”
The pro-men’s-rights guy started by talking about how Roe v. Wade helped define women’s reproductive rights, but there is no Roe v. Wade for men. The basic point he made was that right now, women have all the choices in reproduction. A woman can decide whether to have the child or not, whether to give it up for adoption or not. Men must abide by the decisions the woman makes.
The first story was a guy, “Matt,” who said that he and his girlfriend had multiple discussions about having children, where he flatly told her he was not interested in being a father and did not want a child. He claimed his ex-girlfriend told him she was using birth control and that she had a “condition” that would make it difficult for her to get pregnant anyway. However, according to Matt, she then intentionally got pregnant and had a baby girl. His premise is that he should not have to support this child or have anything to do with it because he repeatedly, actively stated that he did not want a child, and he reiterated his stance immediately after he found out that she was pregnant. Matt believes this absolves him of his parental rights. He has gone to court twice trying to fight child support, and he has lost both times.
The second story was about a man, Noel, who is married (to Nicol) and they have two kids. A few years after he was married, his ex girlfriend showed up and required a paternity test for her daughter. The test was positive. The story was that one-day his car broke down, he called the ex for help, and they went back to her house and slept together. Both Noel and Nicol now say their lives have been shattered by the appearance of this child and that he should not have to pay child support.
So. When I was first listening to this mess, I thought some of it made sense. But then I stepped back for a minute and weighed what these men are saying.
First of all, as the mother of a son, the advice I would give him is if you are not ready to have a child, use a condom. Period. You should take responsibility from that point – it is your responsibility to use birth control and to ensure that you do not end up as a father. Neither Matt nor Noel apparently had mothers to give them that advice. Neither used a condom or accepted initial responsibility, and that same lack of responsibility continues from both of them. They chose not to take action to ensure the woman did not get pregnant. In the heat of the moment or whatever, they did not make a responsible choice. They say they were “Forced into Fatherhood.” Um, I think not. They made a choice to undertake activity that could create a child. That’s the deal.
I would argue that at that point, the point before conception, they had all the reproductive rights – and responsibilities – in the world. They chose not to exercise them.
The second point is that while all this stuff is nice to debate in an abstract discussion forum, but the reality is, there are two children out there, created because of choices these men made, who are not theories to be discussed or debated. They are real. They exist. I would like to ask Matt and Noel how they can sleep at night knowing they are intentionally hurting two babies. The money is one thing…what about the involvement in their lives? If these ex’s are as horrifying as the men make them out to be, all the more reason to get involved in the lives of these children so they can have normal lives and be functioning members of society.
Third, these cases show me exactly why the woman should have the ability to decide. Who is physically raising these children? The men are fighting about the financial side and their belief that they shouldn’t have to pay money. They also say it takes a terrible emotional toll, but they define the problem as the emotion of having to deal with this horrific mistake – a decision they have made, by the way, to treat it as this incredibly negative development – not the emotional difficulties involved in raising a child. The mothers of these babies are with the children, trying to make ends meet, trying to raise a good person.
Believe me, there is always more to the story. And I guess where I end up on all this is these men should be ashamed of themselves. They should take a good, hard look in the mirror and do some very difficult thinking about what they’re doing to themselves and the children, and exactly who they are and what they stand for. To Matt, I would say, next time use a condom. In the meantime, there’s a little girl out there who could probably really use your love. You made this baby, whether willingly or not, you understood exactly how babies are made, and you have a responsibility to her.
On the Noel and Nicol story. Again. You have to be kidding me.
Noel, you made this baby. It doesn’t matter whether it was a one-time thing or not, you also knew that your actions could create a child. It did. Sorry it’s a little inconvenient. And Nicol…stop acting like this is a shocking development that has ruined your life. The only reason the existence of this child is devastating to your children is because you are acting the way you are.
Embrace the child. Tell your children they have a half-sister – because they do. You act like Noel had no part in this, and I’m sorry to say that he absolutely did. In my opinion, you seem far more upset with him and his actions, but you don’t want to face that, so you are taking it out on the woman. Or, more specifically, you are taking it out on the child.
To reiterate, I think men do have reproductive rights. They have the right to choose not to engage in activity that could lead to conception. Right number one. They also have the right to use a condom to avoid conception. Right number two.
If you choose to pass on those two rights…well, welcome to responsibility.
The premise was male reproductive rights. The show blurb says, “When a baby is born, the biological father is legally bound to provide financial support for the child. But what if a man discovers he's responsible for a child he didn't know existed or didn't plan on having? Should he be forced to pay child support? Dr. Phil's guests engage in a heated debate about the rights of men and women when a child is conceived out of wedlock.”
The pro-men’s-rights guy started by talking about how Roe v. Wade helped define women’s reproductive rights, but there is no Roe v. Wade for men. The basic point he made was that right now, women have all the choices in reproduction. A woman can decide whether to have the child or not, whether to give it up for adoption or not. Men must abide by the decisions the woman makes.
The first story was a guy, “Matt,” who said that he and his girlfriend had multiple discussions about having children, where he flatly told her he was not interested in being a father and did not want a child. He claimed his ex-girlfriend told him she was using birth control and that she had a “condition” that would make it difficult for her to get pregnant anyway. However, according to Matt, she then intentionally got pregnant and had a baby girl. His premise is that he should not have to support this child or have anything to do with it because he repeatedly, actively stated that he did not want a child, and he reiterated his stance immediately after he found out that she was pregnant. Matt believes this absolves him of his parental rights. He has gone to court twice trying to fight child support, and he has lost both times.
The second story was about a man, Noel, who is married (to Nicol) and they have two kids. A few years after he was married, his ex girlfriend showed up and required a paternity test for her daughter. The test was positive. The story was that one-day his car broke down, he called the ex for help, and they went back to her house and slept together. Both Noel and Nicol now say their lives have been shattered by the appearance of this child and that he should not have to pay child support.
So. When I was first listening to this mess, I thought some of it made sense. But then I stepped back for a minute and weighed what these men are saying.
First of all, as the mother of a son, the advice I would give him is if you are not ready to have a child, use a condom. Period. You should take responsibility from that point – it is your responsibility to use birth control and to ensure that you do not end up as a father. Neither Matt nor Noel apparently had mothers to give them that advice. Neither used a condom or accepted initial responsibility, and that same lack of responsibility continues from both of them. They chose not to take action to ensure the woman did not get pregnant. In the heat of the moment or whatever, they did not make a responsible choice. They say they were “Forced into Fatherhood.” Um, I think not. They made a choice to undertake activity that could create a child. That’s the deal.
I would argue that at that point, the point before conception, they had all the reproductive rights – and responsibilities – in the world. They chose not to exercise them.
The second point is that while all this stuff is nice to debate in an abstract discussion forum, but the reality is, there are two children out there, created because of choices these men made, who are not theories to be discussed or debated. They are real. They exist. I would like to ask Matt and Noel how they can sleep at night knowing they are intentionally hurting two babies. The money is one thing…what about the involvement in their lives? If these ex’s are as horrifying as the men make them out to be, all the more reason to get involved in the lives of these children so they can have normal lives and be functioning members of society.
Third, these cases show me exactly why the woman should have the ability to decide. Who is physically raising these children? The men are fighting about the financial side and their belief that they shouldn’t have to pay money. They also say it takes a terrible emotional toll, but they define the problem as the emotion of having to deal with this horrific mistake – a decision they have made, by the way, to treat it as this incredibly negative development – not the emotional difficulties involved in raising a child. The mothers of these babies are with the children, trying to make ends meet, trying to raise a good person.
Believe me, there is always more to the story. And I guess where I end up on all this is these men should be ashamed of themselves. They should take a good, hard look in the mirror and do some very difficult thinking about what they’re doing to themselves and the children, and exactly who they are and what they stand for. To Matt, I would say, next time use a condom. In the meantime, there’s a little girl out there who could probably really use your love. You made this baby, whether willingly or not, you understood exactly how babies are made, and you have a responsibility to her.
On the Noel and Nicol story. Again. You have to be kidding me.
Noel, you made this baby. It doesn’t matter whether it was a one-time thing or not, you also knew that your actions could create a child. It did. Sorry it’s a little inconvenient. And Nicol…stop acting like this is a shocking development that has ruined your life. The only reason the existence of this child is devastating to your children is because you are acting the way you are.
Embrace the child. Tell your children they have a half-sister – because they do. You act like Noel had no part in this, and I’m sorry to say that he absolutely did. In my opinion, you seem far more upset with him and his actions, but you don’t want to face that, so you are taking it out on the woman. Or, more specifically, you are taking it out on the child.
To reiterate, I think men do have reproductive rights. They have the right to choose not to engage in activity that could lead to conception. Right number one. They also have the right to use a condom to avoid conception. Right number two.
If you choose to pass on those two rights…well, welcome to responsibility.
|