Three Tips For Women Getting Divorced | Lisa says | DONNE TEMPO
Three Tips For Women Getting Divorced
May/17/08 06:41 PM Filed in: Lisa says
Author Elizabeth Gilbert described divorce as
going through a car wreck every day for two
years. That’s one of the best descriptions I have
heard, because it contains all the elements of
fear, adrenaline, exhaustion, surprise, hurt,
anger, distress, disbelief, and a thousand other
things you feel when it is happening.
Even when divorce is the right decision, the process is often more difficult than people believe it will be. People often find themselves mourning he loss of the life they thought they were going to have, the future they believe they were in-line to live. They also find the cracking of the carefully-constructed candy coating difficult; when they face the unhappy life they are living, they allow themselves and friends and family to see the truth they have hidden for a long time. When they let themselves to see the reality, it can be very difficult. People – especially women -- question themselves and worry for their children. The legal process is confusing; the emotional process can be devastating.
For women stepping into this process, there are three critical things they need to help them emerge whole on the other side; a good friend, a good therapist, and a good attorney, in that order.
A Good Friend
This big message with a friend is find someone you trust and talk. Stop hiding the truth about your life and your feelings, and talk.
Every woman going through divorce needs a good friend. Divorce weeds out the pretenders, and in a very short period of time, you will know who your real friends are. The key is to find the person who really cares for you – your mother, sister, cousin, aunt, godmother, friend – and lean on them.
Many women find it difficult to let themselves depend on someone else. They hate seeing themselves as The Crying Woman or The Self Doubting Woman or The Woman Who Was Really Unhappy and Left But Now People Think She Ruined Her Perfectly Good Life and Now She’s Depressed, so they continue to build the façade of happiness and crumble inside. That’s a quick path to severe depression and loneliness.
A true friend will be your cheerleader through the process. Even when you’re wrong, she will hold your hand and hug you and make sure you are eating. She will be by your side at hearings and when you question yourself. She will also laugh with you and cry with you and tell you every single day it’s going to be ok.
A Good Therapist
Although a friend sometimes acts as a therapist, a friend and a therapist are two very different things. You need both.
A good therapist is supportive and kind and warm, and genuinely cares. But she (or he) also has the role of The Voice of Reason. That means she doesn’t always agree with you, and will say so (in a kind way). She has perspective you don’t have, and can offer a different view. Sometimes, she (or he) will agree with your soon-to-be-ex, but will do it in a way that makes you stop and think, and she will do it in a way that doesn’t make you defensive or angry. But she will make you think.
A good therapist will help you become a better person, a more well-adjusted person.
But make sure you have the right therapist. Do not hesitate to therapist shop until you find the person who is the right one for you. Otherwise, you will be wasting both your time and money; two incredibly valuable commodities.
A Good Lawyer
This one seems pretty obvious – get a good lawyer. Surprisingly, it’s not uncommon for women to get overwhelmed by the process of identifying a good attorney and settling for someone with a law degree and specialty in “family law” rather than the right attorney for her specific situation. Don’t let the process wear you down. Accept that finding the right attorney is a critical step in the right direction, and failure to find the right person to represent you can cost you thousands of dollars and hours of emotional turmoil.
Invest time in finding the right attorney. When seeking out an attorney, as a lot of questions. Make sure it is someone who will treat you with respect, return your phone calls, and answer your questions. Make sure they have experience or that they have partners who have experience. Unfortunately, you cannot afford to help someone gain experience.
Women often find they are more comfortable having a female attorney represent them in the divorce process. They tend to be more able to see the female point of view and to understand a female client. However, do not rule out a male attorney without interviewing him first.
If at any time during the process, you are dissatisfied with your attorney, end the affiliation and find a different one. This can be difficult because we tend to feel invested with an attorney after a certain amount of time. Do not fall into that trap. If an attorney is not representing you well, you will lose things that are important to you, and it will cost you more to review the judgment than to go find another attorney.
You’ll Be OK
The process of divorce is not pretty. Even an amicable divorce is a complicated untangling of two people who previously had melded their lives together. At worst, it’s a messy, ugly, mean process that can drag on for years.
Women can come through divorce stronger, happier, and calmer. It is possible to land on your feet and to survive the process. But you need outside help to get through the mess; find the people who can help, and lean on them. Remember, there are people out there who care, and who know what they’re doing, and they can make even the hard stuff a little easier.
Even when divorce is the right decision, the process is often more difficult than people believe it will be. People often find themselves mourning he loss of the life they thought they were going to have, the future they believe they were in-line to live. They also find the cracking of the carefully-constructed candy coating difficult; when they face the unhappy life they are living, they allow themselves and friends and family to see the truth they have hidden for a long time. When they let themselves to see the reality, it can be very difficult. People – especially women -- question themselves and worry for their children. The legal process is confusing; the emotional process can be devastating.
For women stepping into this process, there are three critical things they need to help them emerge whole on the other side; a good friend, a good therapist, and a good attorney, in that order.
A Good Friend
This big message with a friend is find someone you trust and talk. Stop hiding the truth about your life and your feelings, and talk.
Every woman going through divorce needs a good friend. Divorce weeds out the pretenders, and in a very short period of time, you will know who your real friends are. The key is to find the person who really cares for you – your mother, sister, cousin, aunt, godmother, friend – and lean on them.
Many women find it difficult to let themselves depend on someone else. They hate seeing themselves as The Crying Woman or The Self Doubting Woman or The Woman Who Was Really Unhappy and Left But Now People Think She Ruined Her Perfectly Good Life and Now She’s Depressed, so they continue to build the façade of happiness and crumble inside. That’s a quick path to severe depression and loneliness.
A true friend will be your cheerleader through the process. Even when you’re wrong, she will hold your hand and hug you and make sure you are eating. She will be by your side at hearings and when you question yourself. She will also laugh with you and cry with you and tell you every single day it’s going to be ok.
A Good Therapist
Although a friend sometimes acts as a therapist, a friend and a therapist are two very different things. You need both.
A good therapist is supportive and kind and warm, and genuinely cares. But she (or he) also has the role of The Voice of Reason. That means she doesn’t always agree with you, and will say so (in a kind way). She has perspective you don’t have, and can offer a different view. Sometimes, she (or he) will agree with your soon-to-be-ex, but will do it in a way that makes you stop and think, and she will do it in a way that doesn’t make you defensive or angry. But she will make you think.
A good therapist will help you become a better person, a more well-adjusted person.
But make sure you have the right therapist. Do not hesitate to therapist shop until you find the person who is the right one for you. Otherwise, you will be wasting both your time and money; two incredibly valuable commodities.
A Good Lawyer
This one seems pretty obvious – get a good lawyer. Surprisingly, it’s not uncommon for women to get overwhelmed by the process of identifying a good attorney and settling for someone with a law degree and specialty in “family law” rather than the right attorney for her specific situation. Don’t let the process wear you down. Accept that finding the right attorney is a critical step in the right direction, and failure to find the right person to represent you can cost you thousands of dollars and hours of emotional turmoil.
Invest time in finding the right attorney. When seeking out an attorney, as a lot of questions. Make sure it is someone who will treat you with respect, return your phone calls, and answer your questions. Make sure they have experience or that they have partners who have experience. Unfortunately, you cannot afford to help someone gain experience.
Women often find they are more comfortable having a female attorney represent them in the divorce process. They tend to be more able to see the female point of view and to understand a female client. However, do not rule out a male attorney without interviewing him first.
If at any time during the process, you are dissatisfied with your attorney, end the affiliation and find a different one. This can be difficult because we tend to feel invested with an attorney after a certain amount of time. Do not fall into that trap. If an attorney is not representing you well, you will lose things that are important to you, and it will cost you more to review the judgment than to go find another attorney.
You’ll Be OK
The process of divorce is not pretty. Even an amicable divorce is a complicated untangling of two people who previously had melded their lives together. At worst, it’s a messy, ugly, mean process that can drag on for years.
Women can come through divorce stronger, happier, and calmer. It is possible to land on your feet and to survive the process. But you need outside help to get through the mess; find the people who can help, and lean on them. Remember, there are people out there who care, and who know what they’re doing, and they can make even the hard stuff a little easier.
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