Making Amends - Why do I say I'm sorry?

Dear Debbie:

I'm much better at taking care of myself than I used to be. What I'd love some kick-ass advice on is when I call someone on breaking an agreement with me, and they get angry and then avoid me or don't talk to me, my instinct is to apologize, though I have nothing to apologize for.

I wasn't the one who didn't keep my word. I may have been angry when I communicated this, but I wasn't mean or hurtful at all. How do I stay true to myself and not lose the friendship?

Thanks Debbie!

Barb S.

Dear Barb S,

I love hearing that you’re better at taking care of yourself now than you used to be. Bravo! Don’t stop making those self honoring choices!

Broken agreements are painful for all involved. When confronting someone about a broken agreement, the key is to deliver the feedback without anger or judgment – which isn’t easy.

I really appreciate your honesty when you say you may have been angry when you communicated your feelings to your friend. Your anger is the source for your guilt. It is why you have the urge to apologize. It is why you feel worried that being true to yourself might cost you your friendship.

Anger literally mucks things up!

Next time someone breaks an agreement with you, here’s what I suggest:

#1: Get clear about what you want to say to that person.

#2: Then, don’t say it for at least a week.

#3: During that time, write the person a letter, expressing all your feelings and don’t send it. Tear it up. The next day, if you’re still angry, write them again and don’t send it. Tear it up. Do this until you have dissolved your anger and can simply state, with utter clarity, but no judgment, what works for you and what doesn’t.

When you deliver feedback with out anger you walk away free. If your friend chooses to avoid you, or not talk to you, that is their issue to resolve, not yours. You’re doing great!

Debbie Robins
deb@kickassadvice.com

Join the Shovel it! gang. You can make a difference at every age!

Debbie Robins is highly respected corporate, executive, career coach with deep roots in the entertainment industry. Debbie is also the author of two books, Where Peace Lives, which has been on two best seller lists and enjoys endorsements from Deepak Chopra, Gore Vidal, Maria Shriver, Arianna Huffington, Penny Marshall, Jane Seymour, Debbie Ford and more. And Shovel It! Kick-Ass Advice To Turn Life’s Crap Into The Peace And Happiness You Deserve coming out Nov. ‘09/Alyson Publishing/NYC, with celebrity contributions from Deepak Chopra, Rosanna Arquette, Sandra Bernhard, Julia Ormond, Carolyn Bivens, Daniel Powter and more.

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